- The Fable of the Visitor Who Got a Lot for Three Dollars
- The Fable of the Slim Girl Who Tried to Keep a Date that was Never Made
- The Fable of the New York Person Who Gave the Stage Fright to Fostoria, Ohio
- The Fable of the Kid Who Shifted His Ideal
- The Fable of the Base Ball Fan Who Took the Only Known Cure
- The Fable of the Good Fairy with the Lorgnette, and why She Got It Good
- The Fable of the Unintentional Heroes of Centreville
- The Fable of the Parents Who Tinkered with the Offspring
- The Fable of How He Never Touched George
- The Fable of the Preacher Who Flew His Kite, but not Because He Wished to Do So
- The Fable of Handsome Jethro, Who was Simply Cut Out to be a Merchant
- The Fable of Paducah’s Favorite Comedians and the Mildewed Stunt
- The Fable of Flora and Adolph and a Home Gone Wrong
- The Fable of the Copper and the Jovial Undergrads
- The Fable of the Professor Who Wanted to be Alone
- The Fable of a Statesman Who Couldn’t Make Good
- The Fable of the Brash Drummer and the Peach Who Learned that There Were Others
- The Fable of Sister Mae, Who Did as Well as Could Be Expected
- The Fable of How the Fool-Killer Backed Out of a Contract
- The Fable of the Caddy Who Hurt His Head while Thinking
- The Fable of the Martyr Who Liked the Job
- The Fable of the Bohemian Who had Hard Luck
- The Fable of the Coming Champion Who was Delayed
- The Fable of the Lawyer Who Brought in a Minority Report
- The Fable of the Two Mandolin Players and the Willing Performer
- The Fable of the Man Who Didn’t Care for Story-Books
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Once there was a Bluff whose Long Suit was Glittering Generalities.
He hated to Work and it hurt his Eyes to read Law, but on a Clear Day he could be heard a Mile, so he became a Statesman.
Whenever the Foresters had a Picnic they invited him to make the Principal Address, because he was the only Orator who could beat out the Merry-Go-Round.
The Habit of Dignity enveloped him.
Upon his Brow Deliberation sat. He wore a Fireman’s moustache and a White Lawn Tie, and he loved to Talk about the Flag.
At a Clam-Bake in 1884 he hurled Defiance at all the Princes and Potentates of Europe, and the Sovereign Voters, caught up by his Matchless Eloquence and Unswerving Courage, elected him to the Legislature.
While he was in the Legislature he discovered that these United States were an Asylum for the Down-Trodden and oppressed of the Whole World, and frequently called Attention to the Fact. When some one asked him if he was cutting up any Easy Money or would it be safe for a Man with a Watch to go to Sleep in the same Room with him, he would take a Drink of Water and begin to plead for Cuba.
Once an Investigating Committee got after him and he was about to be Shown Up for Dallying with Corporations, but he put on a fresh White Tie and made a Speech about our Heroic Dead on a Hundred Battle-Fields, and Most People said it was simply Impossible for such a Thunderous Patriot to be a Crook. So he played the Glittering Generality stronger than ever.
In Due Time he Married a Widow of the Bantam Division. The Reason she married him was that he looked to her to be a Coming Congressman and she wanted to get a Whack at Washington Society. Besides, she lived in a Flat and the Janitor would not permit her to keep a Dog.
About Ten Days after they were Married he came Home at 4 A.M. in a Sea-Going Hack and he was Saturated. Next Morning she had him up on the Carpet and wanted to know How About It.
He arose and put his Right Hand inside of his Prince Albert Coat and began.
“Madam,” he said, “During a Long, and, I trust, a not altogether fruitless Career as a Servant of the Peepul, I have always stood in the Fierce Light of Publicity, and my Record is an Open Book which he who runs may——”
“Nix! Nix!” she said, rapping for order with a Tea-Cup. “Let go of the Flying Rings. Get back to the Green Earth!”
He dilated his Nostrils and said: “From the Rock-Bound Hills of Maine in the North to the Everglades of Florida——”
“Forget the Everglades,” she said, rapping again. “That Superheated Atmosphere may have a certain Tonic Effect on the Hydrocephalous Voter, but if you want to adjust yourself with Wifey, you come down to Cases.”
So he went out after Breakfast and bought a $22 Hat in order to Square himself.
Moral: Some Women should be given the Right to Vote.
The Fable of a Statesman Who Couldn’t Make Good – Fables in Slang